All the way through life you will make choices, choose options, and sometimes just go with the flow…. On most or all of those occasions someone will in some way influence your decision, your family, a close friend, a partner or a child. Every day we make thousands of decisions often very quickly and often we have someone else to consider when doing so. Will this affect my colleague? What about the kids? I wonder if my boyfriend/husband/partner will be home in time for dinner or should I just get a take-away? Who will walk the dog if I go away for the whole day? That’s all relatively normal. But what about when there is another influence, something not quite sinister but lurking in the shadows all the same? That’s what having Endometriosis is like. You make multiple decisions on a daily basis and you have to take your Endo into account. The reason I say its in the shadows is that for years I didn’t know I had it….I mean I know there was definitely something going on but I didn’t know what it was….
I’m certainly not alone in that. On average it takes 7 years to get a diagnosis, 7 years of thinking you’re being a wimp, you’re going slightly mad, years of trying lots of things but not knowing what it actually is. Getting a diagnosis is so important, not only physically, so that you get the right treatment, but mentally so you can prepare yourself.
Endo is the 3rd person in all of my relationships, its the annoying person that sticks their nose in where its not wanted, that turns up when you least expect them, when you least need to be dealing with them. Yet over the last 15 years its the one that has had the most influence on a lot of my daily decisions. For a long time, I just didn’t know their name….
Sometimes I feel like there’s the Me on a good day, generally happy, (ok occasionally grumpy), rarely if ever angry, but most of all I’m generally a positive person. Then there are the days I have to deal with Endo and those days are tougher. Those days I feel like I’m another person, I plan my day around bathroom access and how often will I be able to nuke the heatbag in the microwave. How long will I have to stand during the day and equally how long will I be sitting. There are things I just don’t do when I have my period, (and to a lesser degree two weeks later when I’m ovulating), things I can’t do because I’m in pain, its just not that comfortable, or pleasant, or remotely appealing.
Now I’d like to emphasis here I’m by no means a bad case, there are women in a lot more pain, in debilitating pain, where they can’t go to work at all, and my heart goes out to them. My endo seemed to hit an all time low, or high, depending on how you look at it, in September 2014, and the 6 months before and after that were particularly difficult. But all that’s another story. Sometimes it’s hard to relate the two people, Me as Myself, and the other Me, because then I don’t feel like Me. I feel fat and bloated and grumpy and out of sorts. I look terrible because I feel terrible and I look tired because I can’t sleep. I feel irritable for no reason and I cry for no reason and I hurt all over for what seems like no reason. I can’t get comfortable in any position, I feel like another kind of Me, and I don’t particularly like her!